1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
