I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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