I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
