Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
