How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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