ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
