Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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