I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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