broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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