My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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