1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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