Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
