Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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