it was like eating out sand paper
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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