I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
