He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
