Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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