All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
