Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
