Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
