two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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