I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
