She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
