what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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