Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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