She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
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