This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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