yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
