Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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