just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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