At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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