that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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