I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
