White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
