I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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