dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
