I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
