dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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