If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
