You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
