I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think I won the penis lottery.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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