I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
