Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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