I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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