Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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