dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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