haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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