I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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