Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
she looked like the before picture.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
