she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
