Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
