you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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