If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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