I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
