He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
