In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
