i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
