If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Be still, my beating vagina.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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